Jittery January 

January is always a rocky month for me. I fall into depression because of lack of sunshine. SADD when the weather dips into the -40’s for a week or two and leaving the house is for necessity only because who wants to go out?  Have that feeling of the wind being knocked out of them because the cold air you inhale chokes you and you feel your exposed skin hurt. The daylight hours are short to top it all off. 

A few days ago the anxiety started crawling back in. I’m not sure if it’s just the weather or the feeling that my husband is back to hanging out with his girlfriend or both. I hate not knowing when he’s talked to her or texted her or stopped over there to give her money. I didn’t want 2017 to start out this way again. The last two January’s he has dropped out on me to go away and be with her for a week so already I’m depressed because I remember how low I felt last January. I was low enough that I lost 15lbs in 5 days, low enough that I couldn’t get out of bed, low enough that my teens were begging him to call them or talk to them so they could find out what to do to help me, low enough that I resorted to asking my mother-in-law to help me and tell me where he was (no help came, only more lies)

I thought maybe starting the year off in a sunny destination might get me through to the end of the winter but it hasn’t. Over the last few days the -40 weather has moved in, my husband is distant and working a lot, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep so I don’t have to feel the ache across my upper back and through my chest. I’m afraid though that if I don’t force myself up and out of bed that I may not get up and the anxiety will move more into a heavy depression. 

I can’t explain to my husband why, because he feels like I’m blaming him for how I feel. His contribution to my situation doesn’t help, the fact that he is still paying Marjorie’s rent and giving her money doesn’t help. He doesn’t realize that by doing those two things on top of the talking and texting, he’s still conveying to her that he wants their relationship even though, the other morning when I could feel the anxiousness starting he whispers in my ear as he hugs me good-bye as he heads out to work, that he will “get rid of her” and I felt like saying “probably not before I get rid of you” but instead I say to him ” I matter, my feelings matter, but you don’t make me feel like I do.” As the day goes on and I think more about the conversation from the previous evening where once again he tells me he doesn’t want to hurt her, that she did nothing wrong it was all him. Apparently, her feelings matter. I’m married to him and stayed with him through a shit ton of miserable awful shit and that’s what he says to me. 

I’ve resigned myself to staying with him until the end of the month. If at the end of January he renews the lease on the place he rented and continues to give her money then I want him to leave. I feel like I don’t want him around if he can’t tell her it’s definitely over and time for her to go. He feels like I am threatening him but I’m not. I’m just drawing the line and this time it is for good. He can test me but this time he might find his clothes packed, locks changed, me not taking his calls, blocking him from my social media and quite possibly a lawyer hired. I’ve been more than fair and patient but now it’s time for me to feel better and shed this anxiety. I don’t like feeling weak, when up until I few years ago I felt strong and in control of my life. 

After his conversation with Marjorie the other day, he said to me spending Christmas with her was very kind of you and she really liked you. My response was she liked me, but not enough to give up on pursuing her relationship with you. Silence…and then he says “True…”

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