Forever?

”If love is easy, then you aren’t doing it right.” Truth.

Love isn’t easy, there is no right or wrong, there are no rules, and I’m not sure it lasts forever. I don’t believe in forever anymore. I don’t believe in marriage, and what it stands for…even though my parents’ marriage is still going strong. Nobody seems to take marriage seriously these days. It’s a “Let’s get married!!” on a whim, then figure out that it’s too hard to coincide with another person who is just as strong willed as you are, and then figure divorce is the only option. Just because you have a fairytale wedding it doesn’t mean that the fairy tale will last forever, that’s only the honeymoon phase. Once that phase is over, and you can take a stinky shit in front of your partner while they relax in the bath tub, getting on with the rest of your marriage is going to require work and commitment. I think this generation has just decided that if it’s broke and there is no warranty its not worth trying to fix. Not me, I google error messages, order the parts to make the fix, put new parts in and if it’s still not working, I hit up google again. It’s a vicious cycle.

I also didn’t believe that anxiety or depression was a real thing. “Seriously?? DUH…It’s absolutely controllable” insert *eye roll*…not! I believed that you could just set your mind to it and the anxiety would just go away. ”Get over your shit already!” kind of self-talk but…the tears kept falling, chest kept hurting, etc. It doesn’t work that way. When depression has its hold on you it doesn’t kindly just let go because you use your “mom voice” on it. I get angry with myself sometimes because I feel like I should be able to control these days when my brain is being a dick, trying to convince me that staying in bed is the best place for me to be, as it starts to replay the events from the last four years, then I hear a distant whisper ”Mom?” which pulls me out of the fog, I get up and start the day. If it wasn’t for that whisper though, I might stay right where my brain wants me to. Every day isn’t like this and I’m not sure why the anxiety elephant has been trying so hard to sit its ass down on my shoulders lately. Spring is on its way so I should be feeling happier, the weather is warming up, daylight hours extended, so why is my body betraying me? I wonder if I will ever be free of these feelings or if to be rid of them I need to be free of the situation that caused it in the first place. See??? My brain is totally in dick mode, bringing up the ”what ifs?” I don’t believe in forever so the anxiety can’t last for the rest of my life…Can it? I really want to believe that I have control over how everything will play out.

I read a book recently by Sophie Kinsella called Surprise Me. I wanted to find it funny  like I have all of her other books and distract my brain from dick mode, but it made me feel anxious and start to overthink about my marriage. It was about a couple who were happily moving along in their marriage when on their 10 year anniversary of being together it’s brought to their attention that they could live to be 100 and 102, which made them realize they had another 68 years of marriage to get through. So then they decide to come up with surprises for each other to try and keep the spark in their marriage alive, which ended in the surprises being catastrophic disasters. It made me think that my husband and I are approaching 20 years of marriage this year with quite possibly, easily, another 30 years together if not more. We are about 7-8 years away from being empty-nesters and then what?? Catastrophic surprises for the remaining 23 years? Ugh.

I feel like for a long time I was living in this alternate universe, where I believed that my marriage would withstand infidelity, that my kids would be spared heartache, that growing old with one person was how my life would turn out. I don’t believe it anymore. Life happens. There are so many things about living in that alternate universe I didn’t have to think about or want to think about because it was all going to end with happily ever after anyway. Now I think about places I want to travel, things I want to see or do and I don’t care if I do them on my own. Actually, I would like to do some of them on my own just to see what life on my own would be like. I want to feel strong/independent again like I used to, and travelling to Prague to go on a hiking/river cruise to Budapest might just do that for me. Maybe. Or I would just end up with really sore feet?

Our story used to end up with my husband and I being each other’s best friend till death do us part, with our kids and grandkids around us. That was all I needed or wanted. I still want that, but the need/want isn’t as great or as necessary as it used to be. There are just so many ways that a story could go, this is just my view and opinion. You get to write your own story it so make it a good one with a happy ending, just don’t plan on a fairy tale…

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Tell your kid they are being an asshole once in a while…I do😀

I say all sorts of inappropriate things to my teenagers. Things that my sister shakes her head at and I know she wouldn’t ever dream of saying to her 12 year old son. My daughter laughs and says she’s going to write a journal of all the things I say to her, and I start laughing asking her if she’ll read them to her kids like bedtime stories. 

I don’t believe in sheltering my kids from tv shows or talking differently in front of them because of their age. I think I’ve done a decent job raising them. They are outgoing and very funny. My friend said to me I hope my kids are half as funny and engaging as yours are when they get to be teenagers. I like who they are becoming. They are very confident, well rounded young adults. It may sound like I’m bragging about them, or that I’m “tooting my own horn” with how I’ve raised them but I’m not. I just think more people should raise their kids like this. I call them out on stupid shit they do, and not in a nice way.

 Lots of people think that my kids are spoiled, and maybe they are. We’ve chosen to help make their young adult lives easier than ours were. I remember being stressed about how I was going to pay for college because my parents couldn’t afford it, I needed a vehicle and I had to get a job. The end resulted in me not going to college for more than a semester because I was too stressed out with needing to work to pay for school and living expenses. I don’t want my kids to worry about big stuff like that, until they actually have to. I want them to enjoy weekends with their friends, doing whatever they want.

 On the other hand though, they do have to work for things like extra school trips, or an expensive hair experiment at the hair dresser, $800 hockey skates, gas money, expensive makeup or clothes. I don’t offer a complete full ride. 

I could be wrong too, that telling your kid flat out “you’re being an asshole” is the way to go. This parenting thing is hard sometimes, but at the same time I feel like it’s only as hard as you make it. Don’t coddle them or fight their battles for them, give them the tools to be an asshole if they need to be. The only problem with raising my kids this way is they’ve learned to use it against me and they can hold their own when we argue. They know how to defend their side very well. 

I’m not trying to be their friend, or the cool mom who lets shit slide, I’m trying to be the mom that they know they can talk to, about absolutely anything. They can tell me that they tried smoking weed with their friend, and though I will feel like I’m going to lose my shit, I won’t because I remember doing stupid things when I was their age.  I don’t want them to be afraid to come home drunk while they are still underage, because at least they came home for me to make sure they are okay and they aren’t suffering from alcohol poisoning with their just as drunk friend who doesn’t realize they are in trouble. I want them to be really smart when it comes to making life decisions. I was always afraid when I was a teenager and didn’t do anything because my mom was always lurking, trying to catch me doing something that I shouldn’t be. I tried to be a good kid, I never wanted to face my parents disappointment should I have gotten caught doing things they wouldn’t have approved of. I have to say she should have been watching my sisters closer, they were the trouble makers. 

Everyone has a different way when it comes to raising their kids, so don’t judge. I believe in openness and honesty, it works for us, but really you need to do what works for you. I like to think I’m giving them the skills to be able to deal with someone who might be an asshole with them at school or work. I love my kids. Sometimes my way of telling them that I love them is “you are being an asshole” and they know it.