I guess I’m in a depressive state right now because I don’t want to be in my marriage anymore. According to Dr. Dave, he thinks that the only reason I would want to leave our marriage would be depression or another man.
Just checking in with myself…
I don’t feel depressed. I feel clear minded. I actually feel really light, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders because I’m finally ready to leave and I said it out loud. I made the decision months ago, I just didn’t know how to start that conversation. Apparently drunk in Vegas, after a sighting of dick mode, I spit it out. Sad, embarrassed, angry…it finally comes out. I know, it was the worst time for those words to come out of my mouth but once they left I couldn’t take them back, even if I’d wanted to.
Now, it’s December and I told Dave over a month ago that I didn’t want to be married anymore. He asked for clarification. Separating or divorce? Separation for now and we’ll go from there when we are ready. He thinks one reason I don’t want to be married anymore is that I might be severely depressed and I should seek a doctors advice about what kind of medication I might need. That really makes me feel angry. I don’t need drugs, I need to remove myself from this relationship because I’m not happy, I don’t feel satisfied, and I can’t let go of the past wrongs that have happened. I have forgiven him for everything that has happened but I don’t forget. I wondered in a previous blog post that if I was to leave this relationship would my mental health improve? Would I feel happier? Would moving away from all of the reminders and people involved in my life, in a negative way, help me? Would I have fewer days where I don’t wonder, what if I had done something different what would the outcome have been? I overthink a lot, and maybe it’s become the problem but honestly I really think it’s helping me because I finally feel like I’m headed in a direction that I really want to go.
Dave also thinks it could be because of another man influencing my life. Ummmm….no. I think I’ve had enough male influence in my life and would like to try things on my own for a while. I’m finding myself in a situation where the shoe is on Dave’s foot now, and that shoe isn’t fitting his needs very well. The level of hypocrisy that is coming out of him is blowing me over. I was very kind about Marjorie and all that came with her. I said yes, to him coming home after he moved her here/lived with her but then even after I said yes to him to coming home, he still allowed the affair with Marjorie to continue. Why? He says because “he was weak”. Ummm…nope! I don’t think it was a weakness, I think it was nothing more than continuing to take advantage of a wife who kept repeatedly giving him chances to get his shit together. Dave is not being kind or even trying to understand just a little bit about where I’m coming from. I know he says that this will never happen again, and I believe him, but now it’s me, my feelings have changed.
The thing is I have no feelings anymore, I haven’t had any for a while. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Dave. I want to be on my own and try new things. He’s not understanding any of it. He says to me I’ve read your blog, I know you love me, I know you were committed to staying, what has happened in this last year to make you want to end our marriage? If you really read my blog, you would have read that I was committed to trying and wanting the best outcome, but all the while in the back of my mind, I was always leaving. I told him if there was ever an affair, our marriage would be over because I knew I couldn’t handle another woman, never mind two. I asked for honesty, didn’t get it and was left to feel crazy for years. He’s asking for honesty now and I’m really trying to give it to him but at the same time be sensitive so we don’t have hurt feelings or say things we can’t take back. I want us to try to maintain a level where our relationship doesn’t affect our kids. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen. My level of love and kindness towards him, in his situations with Linda and Marjorie, are already forgotten. It’s breaking my heart that he doesn’t see what he’s doing. His feelings and what he’s going through now, outweigh everything I’ve been through. He feels he needs to tell me daily how he was in such a bad way after I told him how I wanted a separation. Dave hasn’t taken into consideration the 8 separate weeks he disappeared to go spend time with or the months he chose to live with Marjorie and what that did to me. He’s just focused on what I’m doing to him now and doesn’t consider at all, what those weeks and months with Marjorie, continue to do to me.
I do have a newer friendship in my life. A friendship with another man who I’ve known for a few years. A friendship that I’m finding fun, engaging, and fulfilling but most important of all, it makes me feel happy. Dave has all of these sordid details running through his head about my calls/texts and why does he have them? He has them because he did them. He thinks there’s sexting going on, tit/dick pics being exchanged, me saying things to turn my friend on when I talk to him and it goes on and on. I don’t do those things. I have no interest in having that kind of relationship through my phone. I’m not going to lie though, my feelings towards this friend have started to change. I want to spend more time getting to know him, but not for the reasons Dave thinks. I like that we can talk about books, or music we like, where we’d like to travel, things we’d like to have happen in our lives. Most of the time the conversations are light, honest, easy going but mostly just fun. There is a significant geographical distance between us, it’s not like being together would be an easy task. So, for now, it’s a really nice friendship with the potential for being more. I’m not leaving my marriage to jump into another relationship. Im going to take some time with that. I’m leaving so that I can find my best self because she got lost. I want to find the confident, strong, and independent woman I used to be…I’ve really started missing her. I want to feel safe in a relationship. One where I don’t need to worry about someone going into dick mode with me over something as silly as spending a few minutes at a VLT machine in Vegas. I don’t want someone to twist my words and make them benefit their own needs. I want to put myself first and do what I need to do, to live a happier life. I don’t want to wait until I’m 60 and decide this has been a shitty life, have regrets about things I didn’t do or that I should have left when I wanted to because…you can’t go back. You never get that time back. Ever.
This morning was a tough one. My alarm went off at 6:30 to get up and get ready for work. Dave pins me to the bed and the questions start.
Dave: Do you love me?
Me: I love you but not the way you want me to.
Dave: Do you love B?
Me: I do have feelings for B.
Dave: So you think about him when you go to sleep, when you first wake up, talk and text all day?
Me: It’s not like that. I do talk to him but it’s not about what you think it is.
Dave: So tell me what it’s about, cause I’d really like to know what you would have in common with this man.
Me: I don’t want to tell you because you’ll laugh and not understand at all. I need to get up.
Still pinning me down to the bed…he asks ” So…no secret plans to meet up, no sexy texts, no proclamations of love?” He has now moved into dick mode, and I start to feel anxious but somehow my body has remained calm and disconnected. I say “Yes, I have made plans to see B in January. I don’t see what is wrong with that. I have been telling you, I want a separation. You are not listening to me.” He says he is listening, but he’s really not because he’s starting to rage. My phone gets yanked from the wall, and thrown. He’s getting physically aggressive but still, I remain calm, his hand is on the back of my neck, I don’t fight back because it would probably be worse if I did. I let him shout and threaten to call B, he says he’s keeping my phone so I can’t talk to him at all. Through all of this, I can’t help feeling more broken and hurt that he can’t be as considerate of my feelings as I was of his. Shut down mode commenced. Why did Dave feel the need to start our day this way? Sadly, I don’t know. I needed to be able to function at work today, it’s final exam week, and I can’t help students who have test anxiety if I’m not together myself. It was a shitty start to my day. Thankfully, the students showed up more together than usual and without the test anxiety, they usually come with. Otherwise, I may have cried right along with them.
I’ve decided that I’m going to see B, even though I was told this morning I am not. Am I to be held prisoner until I say “Okay, our marriage is what I want?” Going to see B, is a weekend that I have chosen to meet my friend, feel happy and explore how deep my feelings might run for him. I’m not using the weekend away to prove to Dave that this is really happening, I’m doing it because it’s what I want to do. I want to spend time with someone who respects me and I’m pretty sure has no hidden agenda. He’s willing to accept what I have to give him and if it’s just a friendship he will take it. I like that about him, and it makes me feel comfortable knowing that I can meet him without expectation of something more.
Ann tells me I can’t change how Dave sees things or what he believes to be true, he has his own demons he needs to deal with. I know this but he won’t talk to a therapist, he doesn’t believe it will help. I’ve been trying to deal with mine by talking to Ann, and she has helped me a lot. She’s asked me to change the way I see myself, and it’s very hard to do. She often says things to me that should make me feel good but often, I just feel embarrassed because I don’t do things or behave in a certain way to gain praise or thanks. I do them because it might make someone else have a better day, or pick someone up who’s had a shitty day. I feel the need to be there for those people because I know what it’s like to suddenly have no one. It’s not a nice feeling.
Dave was my person for so long and then, in the time it took to read a text message…he was gone. I don’t know where he’s gone. I grieved for so long over the death of our relationship that now its time to stop and move on with my life. Right now, I can’t help Dave because I’m disconnected and not looking to save or work on our marriage any longer. It really puzzles me that he waited until I had both feet out the door before starting to really try. I’ve been trying and trying for years but now because I’ve stopped…I’m pulling our family apart, it’s all my fault, how can I do this, how can I throw away 27 years?
The thing is I know, it’s not my fault and how do I know this? Because I’m learning how to see things differently…without taking drugs.