Forever?

”If love is easy, then you aren’t doing it right.” Truth.

Love isn’t easy, there is no right or wrong, there are no rules, and I’m not sure it lasts forever. I don’t believe in forever anymore. I don’t believe in marriage, and what it stands for…even though my parents’ marriage is still going strong. Nobody seems to take marriage seriously these days. It’s a “Let’s get married!!” on a whim, then figure out that it’s too hard to coincide with another person who is just as strong willed as you are, and then figure divorce is the only option. Just because you have a fairytale wedding it doesn’t mean that the fairy tale will last forever, that’s only the honeymoon phase. Once that phase is over, and you can take a stinky shit in front of your partner while they relax in the bath tub, getting on with the rest of your marriage is going to require work and commitment. I think this generation has just decided that if it’s broke and there is no warranty its not worth trying to fix. Not me, I google error messages, order the parts to make the fix, put new parts in and if it’s still not working, I hit up google again. It’s a vicious cycle.

I also didn’t believe that anxiety or depression was a real thing. “Seriously?? DUH…It’s absolutely controllable” insert *eye roll*…not! I believed that you could just set your mind to it and the anxiety would just go away. ”Get over your shit already!” kind of self-talk but…the tears kept falling, chest kept hurting, etc. It doesn’t work that way. When depression has its hold on you it doesn’t kindly just let go because you use your “mom voice” on it. I get angry with myself sometimes because I feel like I should be able to control these days when my brain is being a dick, trying to convince me that staying in bed is the best place for me to be, as it starts to replay the events from the last four years, then I hear a distant whisper ”Mom?” which pulls me out of the fog, I get up and start the day. If it wasn’t for that whisper though, I might stay right where my brain wants me to. Every day isn’t like this and I’m not sure why the anxiety elephant has been trying so hard to sit its ass down on my shoulders lately. Spring is on its way so I should be feeling happier, the weather is warming up, daylight hours extended, so why is my body betraying me? I wonder if I will ever be free of these feelings or if to be rid of them I need to be free of the situation that caused it in the first place. See??? My brain is totally in dick mode, bringing up the ”what ifs?” I don’t believe in forever so the anxiety can’t last for the rest of my life…Can it? I really want to believe that I have control over how everything will play out.

I read a book recently by Sophie Kinsella called Surprise Me. I wanted to find it funny  like I have all of her other books and distract my brain from dick mode, but it made me feel anxious and start to overthink about my marriage. It was about a couple who were happily moving along in their marriage when on their 10 year anniversary of being together it’s brought to their attention that they could live to be 100 and 102, which made them realize they had another 68 years of marriage to get through. So then they decide to come up with surprises for each other to try and keep the spark in their marriage alive, which ended in the surprises being catastrophic disasters. It made me think that my husband and I are approaching 20 years of marriage this year with quite possibly, easily, another 30 years together if not more. We are about 7-8 years away from being empty-nesters and then what?? Catastrophic surprises for the remaining 23 years? Ugh.

I feel like for a long time I was living in this alternate universe, where I believed that my marriage would withstand infidelity, that my kids would be spared heartache, that growing old with one person was how my life would turn out. I don’t believe it anymore. Life happens. There are so many things about living in that alternate universe I didn’t have to think about or want to think about because it was all going to end with happily ever after anyway. Now I think about places I want to travel, things I want to see or do and I don’t care if I do them on my own. Actually, I would like to do some of them on my own just to see what life on my own would be like. I want to feel strong/independent again like I used to, and travelling to Prague to go on a hiking/river cruise to Budapest might just do that for me. Maybe. Or I would just end up with really sore feet?

Our story used to end up with my husband and I being each other’s best friend till death do us part, with our kids and grandkids around us. That was all I needed or wanted. I still want that, but the need/want isn’t as great or as necessary as it used to be. There are just so many ways that a story could go, this is just my view and opinion. You get to write your own story it so make it a good one with a happy ending, just don’t plan on a fairy tale…

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Why am I the Chump?

So, last week, I posted a blog that sparked a reader to suggest that I read Surviving Infidelity and Chump Lady. I wanted to follow up on that. If I am to understand, the suggestion to read Chump Lady, which I did, means that I am considered a Chump.

Urban Dictionary has several meanings for the word Chump.

Chump-1. Someone who doesn’t understand the basics of life on earth. Confused easily.

I feel like I do understand the basics of life, it is my husband who doesn’t. I don’t find I’m confused easily, I was repeatedly told lies by my husband and because I wanted to have faith in him, I believed what he said.

Chump-2.

A stupid or gullible person.

Okay…at times I feel a little stupid and gullible for the lies I believed. Honestly, I didn’t believe a lot that he said, my gut instinct was on high alert. I could read his body language but I didn’t trust myself enough to call him out on his bullshit without concrete evidence.

Chump-3.

A sucka that tries to act cool, but really is a fool and tries to act tough, but really isn’t.

I don’t try to act cool, but I might be a fool. I don’t try to act tough but I’ve been told that I’m not always easily approachable by new people. A lot of that has to do with me not trusting anyone. Many of my family and friends have become very judgemental about my decision to work on saving our marriage. I believe that they don’t have the knowledge to make that decision unless they themselves have been lied to and cheated on. I was super judgy myself until it happened to me, I took a step back and time to evaluate, and came to the conclusion that for now, I’m content to remain committed to trying to salvage our marriage and twenty-five years of a life we’ve built. Yes, I feel bitter and angry, sometimes. Other times, I’m happy with my decision and so is he. He said he didn’t think that I loved him, but now he sees that I truly did. Not that he was using the lack of feeling as a reason to cheat, he just saw that I wasn’t going to just give up on him and walk away. I’ve had to develop a tough outer skin, especially when people who used to be my friends called my husband a douche or a dick and a lot worse. I didn’t think a true friend would try to berate him whilst knowing I was staying in the marriage and trying to not think that he was a douche or a dick because of his cheating.

Chump-4.

Someone who is really thick. They are easily duped, tricked, and taken in by others. A gullible person. Also, someone who relies on weather.com

I can’t even…really? ”Someone who relies on weather.com” Insert…*eye roll*

Collins Informal definition of Chump

A foolish, stupid or gullible person; dupe or fool.

Over the course of the last four years, at one time or another, I have felt ALL of those things. I haven’t let them resonate with me, I chose to change the way I looked at the situation. I know that I wasn’t feeling these ways because of anything I had done, that none of his actions should have spilled over onto me or make me believe that any of it was my fault. I think he was the Chump, he had a great life. He had a wife who cared for and supported him, children who wanted to spend time with him but it was his foolish, stupidity that almost ended it all.

I don’t think the Chump Lady has it right by any means, I feel like, maybe, she hasn’t been able to forgive the fool who cheated on her. The only advice she seemed to have was don’t be a Chump, get a divorce. I didn’t read a lot of her blog but felt that I read enough to know if I continued to read it would send me into second guessing my decisions. I want to believe people can change and that once a cheater doesn’t mean always a cheater. If your husband or wife have chosen to cheat they are the ”Chump”, not you. You are a smart, kind and forgiving person if you’ve decided that your marriage deserves a second, third or however many chances YOU decide to give them. If you have decided on working through the tough times, good for you, don’t let judgemental people make you feel that you are stupid for staying. You really have to do what works for you, staying worked for me so I’m going to act tough and continue to roll with that.

ps. If you google chump the images that coincide with it are a tonne of Trump memes. Go figure…insert *eye roll*

Mind-field

I’ve talked about the triggers that set me off into analyzing and overthinking everything that happens between my husband and me. A trigger being something that takes me back to a time when I felt like he was lying to me but I couldn’t be sure. One of the triggers is his flight school classes. He told me that he wanted to learn to fly a plane. At that point in our lives, our children are still fairly young and I feel like this is just more time for himself instead of using that time to interact with his kids. It could be an evening for him to run someone to hockey, and watch the game or practice. It could be an evening where he baths our youngest, reads him a story and gets him ready for bed or it could be an evening where he shows up to the pool to watch our daughter swim, which he never did. Most of all it could be an evening for me to not have to juggle to do all three things myself. He doesn’t see it that way. He felt he did nothing but work all the time and this would have been time for him to do something just for him. He never let me have that luxury, and according to him, running kids here and there wasn’t part of HIS program. So let me get this straight…because I am the stay at home parent it is my sole responsibility to parent our children? He went to flight school and I went to the pool, a hockey game and did bedtime for the baby.

He didn’t complete his flying hours to obtain his license because his affairs got in the way. Well, that’s how I see it because it definitely wasn’t because of the kids or I getting in his way.

Over the last couple of weeks, work for him has been slow so he has decided to get back into flying, finish his lessons and get in his hours of training so he can get his licence. This sets me off. I know in the past that he wasn’t always flying when he was supposed to be. He constantly tells me there isn’t anyone else but I somehow cannot train my brain to think otherwise. I’ve heard that too many times only to be disappointed when I find out otherwise. So because alarms have been triggered I start looking. I look at his Facebook, I check pockets, I pay attention to the late night text messages and genuinely feel like a crazy person. In his Facebook, I see newly added women friends who I do not know, so I ask him who they are. His defences go up and he’s giving me grief over giving him grief over these women he has become friends with. One of the women had asked him at one point if he would be interested in having an affair with her because she heard that he was having trouble in his marriage. Boom!!She shouldn’t have even received a friend acceptance. Another one is a girl who his company does business with, and she flirts with him over a counter. Why do you feel the need to be friends with her? She is, like most people on Facebook, hardly an acquaintance. No need to request her friendship. The third woman I throw at him, he smirks a little and says he met her when he spent so much time in the Chicago airport on his way to breaking up with Marjorie. Hmmm…let’s just pick up another one on the way to breaking up with the other one. He says to me ”Why would I be friends with them on Facebook, where you can see everything and they can see I am married?” Hiding things in plain sight is the best place for them to be missed, I say and just because your status is set to ”married” doesn’t mean anything to some women. Especially the one who knows that you have ”marriage troubles” anyway. He says to me he has too much on his brain right now to deal with this, meaning my anxiety and begins to list off everything he has got going on. So what he has going on automatically voids whatever I have going on in my brain right now. That response is just as good as throwing fuel on a fire. I stop talking, take out my contacts, brush my teeth, get ready for bed, crawl in, curl up on my side and close my eyes. Shut down mode has commenced. He doesn’t realize or try to recognize that I need help to get over the ocean of lies that he created. I need answers, I need a schedule, and I need to know that this isn’t the beginning of another woman coming into our lives again. I can’t tell him enough about what I need because I don’t want to feel this way. I want it to stop. I want to feel safe and secure in my decision to keep going in this relationship. It’s hard because before when everything was still going on with Linda and Marjorie he would tell me it was all over, over for good and then I’d get slammed with the hard facts that no it wasn’t. So that is also, always circling in the overthinking compartment of my brain.

I hate that I overthink everything, I notice little things moved in a large space, I feel every vibe that comes from everyone. My kids don’t even try to lie to me because they know they can’t get away with it.

I had a very close sister-like friendship end because she couldn’t tell me the truth. I asked her if we were okay because she seemed to be avoiding me, although she says she wasn’t, she was. It was a lie, there was something bothering her but she wouldn’t admit it and sadly for me, the friendship pretty much ended. She was my person when everything started going south, she was who listened and offered advice.

I wish I could find a way to quit making my husband feel like a criminal and me the police. It would be nice if I could give him a manual to read so he would know the do’s and don’ts with me. Sometimes it feels like he’s stomping through a field of landmines around me and it’s all I can do to not curl into a tight ball with my head and ears covered, just so I don’t have to see or feel anything. It would be nice if I could explain to him how to be more careful and communicate better so we have fewer of these times when I start going off on him, in his mind, without reason.

Words are just Words

My daughter said to me “Mom, you never tell us that you love us.” Does she know every day my heart hurts because I love them so much? The constant worry that as young adults off on their own, and hoping they make good life choices, that’s love. I say to her that words don’t mean much to me, that they are just words. I tell her that I prefer to show her that I love her. I spend time in her bedroom cleaning it, putting fresh sheets on her bed, or flowers in her room when she comes home for a visit. I do her laundry while she is with us, and make a point of cooking her favourite things to eat. I tag her in funny memes to make her laugh on days when she might be missing home, to let her know I’m thinking of her and miss her too. I tell her that there are so many other ways that I tell her I love her.

She doesn’t understand how hurt by her dad I have been and although he says he loves me, I don’t feel it, they are just words he says because he doesn’t know how to show me all the time. I don’t feel it because he had two other relationships with other women one that was just sex and the other I know he loved. He didn’t show me, love. He told me lies and continued to live his life without any regard for our marriage, me or our family. That is not loving. He tries a little harder to make me feel his love. He senses the anxiety days, even though I try to not let them show. He holds me tighter at night because he knows it helps to shut my brain down and stop the overthinking it tends to do in the quiet hours. He has tried harder in the last year because he knows I was slipping away from him and I wasn’t going to be there, or love him any longer. He feels my love, he wasn’t completely sure he wanted it to be something he had to live without so he’s decided to make changes in his life.

I love my kids with my whole being and have made them the centre of my life. I miss them when they are not with me, and feel happy when all of them are home. I ask my daughter ”Do you love your brothers?” She rolls her eyes and with that, I know the answer, that yes she does. I ask her ”Do you tell them? Do you say to them that you love them? Do they tell you that they love you?” She’s waiting for me to make my point. I tell her that without realizing it, the time they spend together when they are all home shows their affection for each other, it shows in the Facetime calls they make time for in their busy lives when they are apart, and the group texts between them. My heart swells, and tears cloud my vision because I did my job, I raised them to be caring people and that even long after I’m gone that they will still find time for each other.

At the airport, as she leaves me to go back to school, I hug her long and tight, I try to hide my tears because I’m going to miss her but she catches them, raises her finger to my cheek, brushes a tear away and says ”I love you, too”

Trust

Just so you know when trust is broken…it’s gone. Gone for good? That I don’t know. So many things don’t add up for me. I feel like I’m constantly running numbers in my head, trying to make 2+2=4, but it keeps coming up 10. If honesty is something that was practiced, then trust would eventually start to re-appear, I think, but lies are still being told. Secrets still being held and it just doesn’t help. I am told that he’s being good but should I believe that when he’s still telling me lies?

To see if he would tell me the truth, I asked “How long did things carry on with Linda after I found out? Did it end right then or what?” I had found a picture date stamped for almost a year after it was supposed to have ended, with his hand on her breast. His response was I talked to her but that was it, nothing else. Well okay, then whose tits are your hand on almost a year later? If it ended when you say it did, then there must have been another woman, who was she? His response…there was no other woman it was Linda. I just shake my head because I feel like he’ll never be honest, and wonder has he ever been honest? What else has he lied to me about that would leave me feeling small and crushed and stupid? He feels angry and pissed off, I can tell, when I find things out that he doesn’t want me to know. I don’t know why he hasn’t figured out yet, that for me, if he was to just have come clean and said it lasted until whatever it was that finally severed the tie, then that would been better. That would have been one step toward trust but…he chose the step back. He also chose to hide his old phone, so there must be more secrets in it that he doesn’t want me to know, another step back.

I feel closed off. He’s not the only one I don’t trust anymore, there are a lot of people who I used to talk to that I just don’t because they lost my trust. The people who were the closest are now the furthest away and I don’t let them in, and I have no desire to know how they are or what they’ve been doing. It baffles me though that he’s the one who cheated and lied, and still lies but I still allow him to be near me. It makes me so mad to think about all he’s done to damage our relationship but yet it still survives. The anger comes and goes, it’s part of the grieving process. Sometimes he’s around for it, and sometimes I get to just rage alone until I feel better. He says he just wants to forget and move on, it’s not that easy for me because I feel like a second choice that he didn’t really choose. I told him that unless he changed that he would have to be removed from my life for awhile so I could move on. He said he changed, he moved back home but things hadn’t really changed. He moved home but still continued his affair with Marjorie, still continued the process for her to move forward and stay here. If it wasn’t for the communication between her and I then this mess would still be going on. I put my foot down and said it ends now. She saw him lying to me in front of her and she was stunned that he could do that. I made her leave, he didn’t. I packed up her remaining possessions and sent them to her, he didn’t. I cleaned and cleared out the house where he lived with her, he didn’t. I didn’t see any grief from him that she was finally gone but he said he was relieved it was finally over.

She feels the need to stay in contact with me, and I’m not sure why. I worry about her because of what he told me so I respond to her. When I don’t hear from her, I check in with her to make sure things are okay for her. She seems to be doing well and she’s said she doesn’t dwell on what’s happened and it does not have a place in her day to day thought. I’d like to say good for her, but I don’t believe it to be true, especially when she knows who I am connected to and that I was the one who sent her away. That should be enough of a daily reminder in itself. We don’t talk about what’s happened, we don’t talk about him or bash him. I think it’s just a mutual checking in of each of us making sure the other is okay because the hurt is the same for both of us. We both trusted and loved him and he hurt us both.

The trust isn’t there anymore. I’m not sure it ever will be again. I’ve put walls up to feel safe so I can’t be hurt anymore, not by him or anyone else. It’s a pretty shitty feeling when you know the only person you can rely on, is yourself and that your guard has to be up 24/7. I keep trying to figure out when 2+2 stopped equaling 4 but as far back as I can see it’s equaled 10 because I don’t know when the lies started.

I run.

I run when things get to be too much. I start to feel the little twinge start in my back, that moves into anxiety, which eventually swings low and drops me into depression. The pain in my chest, my aching heart, the sadness is too much, so I run.  I yank on a t-shirt and some leggings, scramble for my running shoes, find headphones, fill my water bottle, find some gum to chew and head out. Depending on how much it hurts is where I run. If I catch the anxiety before it feels like I can’t breathe then I can run on the treadmill, music blaring in my ears to block out the destructive thoughts trying to enter my mind. I run to feel a different pain and release the energy that is building. I run until my body is crying with sweat, until my chest is heaving trying to catch its breath and my knee is telling me please no more. I run to feel something other than this crushing sadness or to just feel something at all when I don’t feel anything. My therapist says I feel things too deeply and am constantly concerned about others when I need to concentrate on myself. 

If I don’t catch it soon enough because I don’t have time to just drop out for a couple of hours then I have to run outside on the trails, rain or shine, and I hate it the whole time. It becomes an anger release run. I feel angry that I didn’t just take the time I needed when I first felt that little twinge, I feel angry that I don’t have the same choices to just drop out of our relationship whenever I feel like I need a break, so much anger. My body hates the outdoor run as much as my mind does. 

The end result it the same though, I’m stiff for a day or two, my mind is clearer, my heart still hurts but it isn’t as heavy and I feel something else. Something that only the adrenaline rush makes me feel,  the rush so that I don’t just give up, lay down and let the sadness wash over me, like I have in the past. The run makes me feel stronger, like I just fought for myself and won. 

I want the hurt and sadness to go away and stay away, and just run because I feel like I want to not that I need to. I’d like to run outside with the sun on my face and just enjoy it instead of feeling angry that I need to run harder to control the spiral that’s getting too far gone for me to stop it. I never used to feel weak or out of control but I do now. My therapist, Ann, tells me “Lady, you are the strongest woman, to have been through so much and you still keep going, that is strength not weakness.” I have learned that I can’t control what’s going to happen and I can’t change or fix what has happened in the past but to cope with everything, I can run. 

Christmas with Marjorie 

If you have read any of my previous posts you’ll know who Marjorie is and where she falls in place in my life. If you haven’t well, she’s my husbands on line girlfriend from Georgia who moved here to live with him. After she moved here and he lived with her for two months he decided that he wouldn’t be happy without his family and moved home. Yes, my life has an obscene amount of unbelievable craziness in it. I’m not sure how exactly I got here but I have. 

Christmas this year was a tough one for me. It was the first year in 25 years that I have not woken up beside my husband and 18 years to babies and excitement over Santa coming to our house while everyone slept. My husbands mother was diagnosed with cancer this year and although I don’t feel that either of my inlaws deserve an ounce of love from my children for the things they have done, I let them go and spend Christmas with them. I couldn’t live with the thought of having them with me if this was her very last Christmas. 

So mid morning Christmas Eve starts out with an incoming text from Marjorie.

Marj: How are you? 

Me: Still getting over my sinus infection. How are you?

Marj: I’m good. I found some very unexpected Hispanic products today. I’m quite excited about that 😀 

Me: Cool and the weather has warmed up to flip flop short wearing weather so you can breathe when you go outside.

Marj: Llol! You know I can actually appreciate that concept now. -4 being a treat!   

Then I drop out of the conversation and carry on with whatever it was that I was doing, I think I was cleaning and packing for our trip. 

Then in the afternoon she starts texting me again.

Marj: I got you a gift. Happy Christmas. ( and she sends me a picture of a bottle of wine, a card and chocolates)

I was very stunned at first. I was like does she think we are going to meet at some point? Why does she want to give me a gift? That’s weird right? What does she want from me? A friendship? Ten minutes pass before I respond because I’m freaked out at the thought of finally meeting her.

Me: You shouldn’t have done that. I think there is some rule that as my husbands girlfriend you don’t give gifts to the wife. Wouldn’t he shit tho if we did get together and sent him a Christmas selfie of us…lol! I’m dismantling Christmas today, I can’t stand to look at it anymore.

Marj: Duck rules. I felt I needed to say thank you for being so awesome and kind. (I’m thinking duck was an auto correct of fuck).   I found a shop that sells really nice chocolates. I was excited about those. 

Me: You don’t need to thank me for anything. (Changing the subject) You must have found Chocolates and Candlelight’s and other Delights?

Marj: Yesssssss. I love everything in that shop! It’s awesome. Have you watched I am legend? 

Me: I think so. Will Smith?

Marj: Yes. So everyday I feel like I’m will smith in I am legend tryin’ to get stuff done before dark at 3pm. 

Me:Daylight hours should be getting better again now. 

We continue to chat about the Salvadorian food she is going to make for her Christmas Eve dinner and that she has to run out to the store to pick up a few ingredients that she doesn’t have. She tells me about her cat Walter, sends me a video of him doing tricks for treats and then takes off for a bit. Which is okay by me because I want to take down my Christmas tree. 

Marj: Back! It’s buffoonery out there. 

I don’t respond. I’m thinking to myself this is crazy, what am I doing. I don’t know her, we are not friends, so I carry on with what I am doing and maybe that will be all. 

Nope, an hour later…

Marj: Did you kill Christmas? 

I give in.

Me: The tree is down and put away but I left all the snowmen alone. I hate putting the tree away it’s so much work. I bet the store was nuts. I need to go get cat food but I feel the pet store will be less busy. 

Marjorie goes into full on talking about healthy cat treats, because clearly Sassy is a fatty. I head out to the Pet Smart to pick up what the cat sitter will need while I’m away, buy the treats and set them out for Sassy. She gives me a very “I’m disappointed in you.” look and walks away. I text Marjorie a video of the whole thing and she laughs when I say “Most of us prefer McDonalds to salads”

Later that evening I get a text and a picture of the Salvadorian dish that she was making and I tell her it looks better than the Chinese food I ate and now I was onto wine, onesie pj’s and cheesy Christmas movies staring Hugh Grant.

Marj:Oooo that sounds fun! :p English men are great ;D 

Me: I got drunk at a resort once and ended up with a British boyfriend. Needless to say D wasn’t very happy to be interrupted by this guy who wanted to do shots with me…lol

Marj: Ahhhhhhhh!!! 

Me: But this poor guy was labeled as my British boyfriend for the rest of the week.

Marj:  😀 that’s awesome 

Me: Colin Firth is another fave, from Bridget Jones. (3 glasses of wine in) I would invite you to join me but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. 

Marj: Why on earth would that be a bad idea??

Me: (starting glass 4, 1/2 big ass bottle finished)                                  It’s craziness but it’s also Christmas and I’m not sure why either of us is alone. My kids are spending my favourite day of the year with complete assholes who do not deserve an ounce of their love. It’s just a day though and the last one I am willing to give them. See I’m not such a great person. 

Marj: Sorry I’m drunk. Having trouble functioning 😀 

Me: Well that makes two of us. My wine buzz is starting to affect me. If you don’t want to be alone come over. 

Marj: I didn’t know it was your favorite day. I’m sorry… I don’t know or understand what’s happened with that relationship. And how do you mean that’s the last day. 

Me: The history doesn’t matter, it’s over but not forgotten or forgiven. I just mean it’s the last time that I will not be with my kids at Christmas so his parents can be with them. 

Marj: Do you have anything harder than wine or should I BYOB 

(Whoa…shit could go sideways)

Me: I have vodka, rye, moonshine…not much for mix but there’s Pepsi

So I give her the address, drink some more wine, start watching Elf because it is such a funny movie and awhile later the doorbell rings. 

Before this we have never met. We have exchanged emails and snarky texts back and forth when my husband first came back but that was it. I open the door and I can tell she is a little nervous by her laugh. I tell her to come in, I go to the kitchen, take out a glass for her to mix a drink in  and pour another glass of wine. We move back to the living room and continue to watch Elf, laughing at all the stupid things Will Farrel does in this movie. Marjorie asks me if I have any siblings and I tell her about my sisters but that we are not close (that’s a whole other blog in itself). I know she has a brother, with a wife and few kids. I say to her “Your parents must be worried about you being here.” She says they were concerned when she decided to move here but that she hadn’t been home for Christmas in four years so they were used to that. We stop talking for a bit, when again she asks me about why I’m not with D and the kids. I tell her why and she is like “WOW!” but I don’t really want to talk about my problems with my inlaws. 

It wasn’t even awkward, I didn’t feel anger towards her, I felt sad that this young girl moved to this god forsaken frozen hell to be with my husband and he decided that wasn’t what he wanted. She thought he was going to leave his wife and start a new life with her. A life she had been working towards for the last four years. She asked me why I stayed with him. It’s such a hard question to answer because no matter what I say I feel stupid for continuing to love this man who has hurt me time and time again. I can’t give up on him when he’s telling me he is done with that life, that he wants to be the man I married, that it’s me he loves and wants to be with. How do I walk away after building this life for 25 years? Where do we begin trying to dismantle it all? She says “So both of you are afraid to end it.” I tell her no that I was ending it, that I wanted nothing to do with him and that I was cutting off from him but he wouldn’t let me, that he kept insisting our marriage is what he truly wants. She tries to come at me from a different angle “It sounds to me like you have one foot out the door.” I tell her I do have one foot out the door because I’m waiting for the next time he drops out on me to be with her. I say that considering she lives here now and that he’s still talking/texting with her so I feel it will eventually happen, and she nods. 

It’s 3am and a few hours ago I moved from wine to Apple Pie Moonshine. I need some fresh air to clear my head so I say “Let’s go for a walk” and she is not sure what to think but we bundle up, put our drinks in travel mugs and out we go in -20 degree weather for a walk. She asks about Linda. Linda is the first affair. I tell her a little about my relationship with Linda and what I am dealing with now but I don’t talk about D’s relationship with her. I tell her I don’t understand how I got to this place in my life where I’m doing crazy shit like spending Christmas with my husbands girlfriend. I ask her what her plan is. She tells me she doesn’t have one and that her staying largely depends on D. Well… his staying with me largely depends on him discontinuing paying her rent and giving her money. We get back to the house, mix another drink and just sit and talk. She is sizing me up, she wants to be able to pin the cracks in my marriage on me but I think she’s finally seeing the big picture. I ask her though if D and I should end our marriage at this point would she still take him back and she tells me that yes she would. Madness. What is wrong with us? By now it is 7 am and I can no longer keep from yawning, and tell she she is welcome to crash here but she calls a cab anyway and prepares to leave. She gives me a hug, wishes me a Merry Christmas and leaves. I lock up, turn out lights and prepare to get into bed when D texts me a Good morning, Merry Christmas! Are you awake? I respond…Well I haven’t been to bed yet, been up drinking all night, headed to bed now. He was like what??? I say,  I’m too tired I’ll tell you what I was doing later and went to sleep.

Noon…

Marj: Good morning! How are you feeling??

Me: I feel disgusting. I woke at 10 put stuff in the dryer had a piece of toast and went back to bed but I still feel gross. How about you?

Marj: I feel great. Slept great. Walter (her cat) wasn’t upset, so I guess I wasn’t too drunk. (Not likely she killed 28oz of Apple Whiskey and a few glasses of Apple pie moonshine)

Me: I’m so happy for you 😒

Marj: 😀

Me: I’m still laying in bed. It was the moonshine that did me in.

Marj: It was so good.

Me: It was but it was deadly on my head.

At some point the previous night I mentioned that I needed to remember to put my underwear in the dryer and pack it, so she asks me if I remembered to pack my undies and I had, at 4:30 in the afternoon I tell her that I think I’m finally starting to sober up she laughs. 

Marj: :,D lmao It was a good night. 

Me: It was. Thank you for keeping me company.

Marj: Thank you so much for inviting me. Have a good flight and an awesome trip! 

And it’s at this point where I feel like a complete asshole. She’s staying here in this freezing hell while I head off to warm sunshine, drinks on the beach and time with my family. Should I feel like an asshole? No, D should. He brought her here. 

I hope I did a decent thing and spent time with her so she wouldn’t be alone. Nobody should be alone over the holidays…not even the woman who has attempted to pull my marriage apart. 

We’ve been back a few days now and I have not contacted her. She hasn’t reached out to me either, so maybe meeting me didn’t work out in her favour. Maybe she thought she wouldn’t like me and she could justify continuing to be available for D. I think I was just genuine and honest with her about our life, about how broken I’ve been over all of this and that now it needs to stop. 

Now it’s January and this is typically the time he drops out on me and the kids to make it up to her for ignoring her through December. 

2017 has to be a better year, the last two have been batshit crazy, and I know I cannot do this anymore. This year is for me and I’m determined I will either be happy in my marriage or I will walk away from it but I will be happy wherever I end up.