Time

“Time is not your friend. It doesn’t care if you live fast or die slow, if you are or if you aren’t. It was here before you arrived and it will go on after you leave. Time doesn’t care who wins or who loses, if your life span is full or empty, honorable or shameful. Time is indifferent. It simply doesn’t give a shit.” Laura Wiess

I read a book by Mitch Albom several years ago called The Time Keeper. I loved it. It made me really stop and think. It left me with a heavy heart, but at the same time with a renewed outlook of how I could begin living the life I have left. It left several messages with me, and a lot to think about.

Don’t waste time, spend it wisely.

Don’t wish for more time, You don’t get anymore and what you’ve wasted…you can’t get it back.

There isn’t enough time…there really isn’t.

Time really isn’t our friend and waits for no one.

I’m totally guilty of all of the above. I want time to pass quickly sometimes so that a specific date comes quickly so I can do whatever it is that I wanted to do but then that time comes and goes too fast and I find I wish could have that time back or wish it had passed slower as to enjoy it properly.

I’m guilty of wasting time. I waste time doing things that I don’t really want to do. I waste time on Pinterest, Instagram or Facebook, drinking coffee or wine. I waste time and energy on people who don’t deserve it. I waste time on numerous meaningless things, then I’m somewhat disappointed in how I spent that time, when I could have been doing something meaningful.

These last few years have been hard for me. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time in a relationship that I should have let go of. I feel like wasted 5 years trying to make a marriage work that neither of us could fix. I decided in the last year that I don’t want to waste anymore time thinking about the past, how sad I’ve felt, or how I’ve been treated by people I’ve done nothing but help or be kind to. I don’t want to waste any more time feeling anxious or angry. I’ve decided that in order to feel happier and satisfied with my life I want to spend my time more wisely. I want to spend it with people I love and who love me equally as much. I want to live in a place that I love. I would like to travel more, or find something that interests me enough to study it, learn it, and enjoy doing whatever it is I’ve studied and do it well.

Making myself a priority has always seemed selfish before now. I still feel a little selfish because in order for me to stop wasting time it might mean some people in my life, who I love very much will get hurt and I would never want to do that. I hope that at some point they will learn to live with and accept that I did my best for as long as I could but then there came a point where I spent more time unhappy than I have been happy.

Making the decision to leave my marriage was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done besides staying with a man who figured his time was more valuable than mine. That his life and happiness was well above being faithful to our family. Walking away from my marriage feels like I failed. I failed to realize that I was just as important as everyone else in my life, and that the things I’ve done would still have meaning to me if I had of. I’ve been left with a feeling of things I’ve done not mattering and that I wasted my time trying to be a good wife. I used to love taking care of our home, and raising our family but now it’s not as important to me to do the things I once did. Raising our children was one of the best things I’ve ever done, and will probably ever do. I’m happy they are growing to be amazing people. I feel that I did not waste any time on them, but I do wish that my time with them had passed slower so I could enjoy them being with me longer. They grew too fast.

It’s time for me to find the woman I used to be. Time to find the woman who used to be strong, independent and didn’t rely on anyone but herself. She’s here, in me somewhere, I know it but she’s hiding, a little shy and scared a lot these days but I know she can do all these things she wants to do and live this amazing life she’s dreaming of. Once she smartens up, stops wasting time and making every second of it count, I know she’ll be happy and the people around her will be happy with her and for her.

Time. Don’t waste it by wishing it away or that you could have it back. Embrace every minute, love it, spend it wisely because it really isn’t going to wait around for you to make the choices you wish you could have or would have made. At the end of time you want to have lived a life that you’ll be remembered for. Remembered for the memories that you spent time making with the people close to you and that you loved completely with your whole heart.

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You need drugs.

Hmm…

I guess I’m in a depressive state right now because I don’t want to be in my marriage anymore. According to Dr. Dave, he thinks that the only reason I would want to leave our marriage would be depression or another man.

Just checking in with myself…

I don’t feel depressed. I feel clear minded. I actually feel really light, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders because I’m finally ready to leave and I said it out loud. I made the decision months ago, I just didn’t know how to start that conversation. Apparently drunk in Vegas, after a sighting of dick mode, I spit it out. Sad, embarrassed, angry…it finally comes out. I know, it was the worst time for those words to come out of my mouth but once they left I couldn’t take them back, even if I’d wanted to.

Now, it’s December and I told Dave over a month ago that I didn’t want to be married anymore. He asked for clarification. Separating or divorce? Separation for now and we’ll go from there when we are ready. He thinks one reason I don’t want to be married anymore is that I might be severely depressed and I should seek a doctors advice about what kind of medication I might need. That really makes me feel angry. I don’t need drugs, I need to remove myself from this relationship because I’m not happy, I don’t feel satisfied, and I can’t let go of the past wrongs that have happened. I have forgiven him for everything that has happened but I don’t forget. I wondered in a previous blog post that if I was to leave this relationship would my mental health improve? Would I feel happier? Would moving away from all of the reminders and people involved in my life, in a negative way, help me? Would I have fewer days where I don’t wonder, what if I had done something different what would the outcome have been? I overthink a lot, and maybe it’s become the problem but honestly I really think it’s helping me because I finally feel like I’m headed in a direction that I really want to go.

Dave also thinks it could be because of another man influencing my life. Ummmm….no. I think I’ve had enough male influence in my life and would like to try things on my own for a while. I’m finding myself in a situation where the shoe is on Dave’s foot now, and that shoe isn’t fitting his needs very well. The level of hypocrisy that is coming out of him is blowing me over. I was very kind about Marjorie and all that came with her. I said yes, to him coming home after he moved her here/lived with her but then even after I said yes to him to coming home, he still allowed the affair with Marjorie to continue. Why? He says because “he was weak”. Ummm…nope! I don’t think it was a weakness, I think it was nothing more than continuing to take advantage of a wife who kept repeatedly giving him chances to get his shit together. Dave is not being kind or even trying to understand just a little bit about where I’m coming from. I know he says that this will never happen again, and I believe him, but now it’s me, my feelings have changed.

The thing is I have no feelings anymore, I haven’t had any for a while. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Dave. I want to be on my own and try new things. He’s not understanding any of it. He says to me I’ve read your blog, I know you love me, I know you were committed to staying, what has happened in this last year to make you want to end our marriage? If you really read my blog, you would have read that I was committed to trying and wanting the best outcome, but all the while in the back of my mind, I was always leaving. I told him if there was ever an affair, our marriage would be over because I knew I couldn’t handle another woman, never mind two. I asked for honesty, didn’t get it and was left to feel crazy for years. He’s asking for honesty now and I’m really trying to give it to him but at the same time be sensitive so we don’t have hurt feelings or say things we can’t take back. I want us to try to maintain a level where our relationship doesn’t affect our kids. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen. My level of love and kindness towards him, in his situations with Linda and Marjorie, are already forgotten. It’s breaking my heart that he doesn’t see what he’s doing. His feelings and what he’s going through now, outweigh everything I’ve been through. He feels he needs to tell me daily how he was in such a bad way after I told him how I wanted a separation. Dave hasn’t taken into consideration the 8 separate weeks he disappeared to go spend time with or the months he chose to live with Marjorie and what that did to me. He’s just focused on what I’m doing to him now and doesn’t consider at all, what those weeks and months with Marjorie, continue to do to me.

I do have a newer friendship in my life. A friendship with another man who I’ve known for a few years. A friendship that I’m finding fun, engaging, and fulfilling but most important of all, it makes me feel happy. Dave has all of these sordid details running through his head about my calls/texts and why does he have them? He has them because he did them. He thinks there’s sexting going on, tit/dick pics being exchanged, me saying things to turn my friend on when I talk to him and it goes on and on. I don’t do those things. I have no interest in having that kind of relationship through my phone. I’m not going to lie though, my feelings towards this friend have started to change. I want to spend more time getting to know him, but not for the reasons Dave thinks. I like that we can talk about books, or music we like, where we’d like to travel, things we’d like to have happen in our lives. Most of the time the conversations are light, honest, easy going but mostly just fun. There is a significant geographical distance between us, it’s not like being together would be an easy task. So, for now, it’s a really nice friendship with the potential for being more. I’m not leaving my marriage to jump into another relationship. Im going to take some time with that. I’m leaving so that I can find my best self because she got lost. I want to find the confident, strong, and independent woman I used to be…I’ve really started missing her. I want to feel safe in a relationship. One where I don’t need to worry about someone going into dick mode with me over something as silly as spending a few minutes at a VLT machine in Vegas. I don’t want someone to twist my words and make them benefit their own needs. I want to put myself first and do what I need to do, to live a happier life. I don’t want to wait until I’m 60 and decide this has been a shitty life, have regrets about things I didn’t do or that I should have left when I wanted to because…you can’t go back. You never get that time back. Ever.

This morning was a tough one. My alarm went off at 6:30 to get up and get ready for work. Dave pins me to the bed and the questions start.

Dave: Do you love me?

Me: I love you but not the way you want me to.

Dave: Do you love B?

Me: I do have feelings for B.

Dave: So you think about him when you go to sleep, when you first wake up, talk and text all day?

Me: It’s not like that. I do talk to him but it’s not about what you think it is.

Dave: So tell me what it’s about, cause I’d really like to know what you would have in common with this man.

Me: I don’t want to tell you because you’ll laugh and not understand at all. I need to get up.

Still pinning me down to the bed…he asks ” So…no secret plans to meet up, no sexy texts, no proclamations of love?” He has now moved into dick mode, and I start to feel anxious but somehow my body has remained calm and disconnected. I say “Yes, I have made plans to see B in January. I don’t see what is wrong with that. I have been telling you, I want a separation. You are not listening to me.” He says he is listening, but he’s really not because he’s starting to rage. My phone gets yanked from the wall, and thrown. He’s getting physically aggressive but still, I remain calm, his hand is on the back of my neck, I don’t fight back because it would probably be worse if I did. I let him shout and threaten to call B, he says he’s keeping my phone so I can’t talk to him at all. Through all of this, I can’t help feeling more broken and hurt that he can’t be as considerate of my feelings as I was of his. Shut down mode commenced. Why did Dave feel the need to start our day this way? Sadly, I don’t know. I needed to be able to function at work today, it’s final exam week, and I can’t help students who have test anxiety if I’m not together myself. It was a shitty start to my day. Thankfully, the students showed up more together than usual and without the test anxiety, they usually come with. Otherwise, I may have cried right along with them.

I’ve decided that I’m going to see B, even though I was told this morning I am not. Am I to be held prisoner until I say “Okay, our marriage is what I want?” Going to see B, is a weekend that I have chosen to meet my friend, feel happy and explore how deep my feelings might run for him. I’m not using the weekend away to prove to Dave that this is really happening, I’m doing it because it’s what I want to do. I want to spend time with someone who respects me and I’m pretty sure has no hidden agenda. He’s willing to accept what I have to give him and if it’s just a friendship he will take it. I like that about him, and it makes me feel comfortable knowing that I can meet him without expectation of something more.

Ann tells me I can’t change how Dave sees things or what he believes to be true, he has his own demons he needs to deal with. I know this but he won’t talk to a therapist, he doesn’t believe it will help. I’ve been trying to deal with mine by talking to Ann, and she has helped me a lot. She’s asked me to change the way I see myself, and it’s very hard to do. She often says things to me that should make me feel good but often, I just feel embarrassed because I don’t do things or behave in a certain way to gain praise or thanks. I do them because it might make someone else have a better day, or pick someone up who’s had a shitty day. I feel the need to be there for those people because I know what it’s like to suddenly have no one. It’s not a nice feeling.

Dave was my person for so long and then, in the time it took to read a text message…he was gone. I don’t know where he’s gone. I grieved for so long over the death of our relationship that now its time to stop and move on with my life. Right now, I can’t help Dave because I’m disconnected and not looking to save or work on our marriage any longer. It really puzzles me that he waited until I had both feet out the door before starting to really try. I’ve been trying and trying for years but now because I’ve stopped…I’m pulling our family apart, it’s all my fault, how can I do this, how can I throw away 27 years?

The thing is I know, it’s not my fault and how do I know this? Because I’m learning how to see things differently…without taking drugs.

Forever?

”If love is easy, then you aren’t doing it right.” Truth.

Love isn’t easy, there is no right or wrong, there are no rules, and I’m not sure it lasts forever. I don’t believe in forever anymore. I don’t believe in marriage, and what it stands for…even though my parents’ marriage is still going strong. Nobody seems to take marriage seriously these days. It’s a “Let’s get married!!” on a whim, then figure out that it’s too hard to coincide with another person who is just as strong willed as you are, and then figure divorce is the only option. Just because you have a fairytale wedding it doesn’t mean that the fairy tale will last forever, that’s only the honeymoon phase. Once that phase is over, and you can take a stinky shit in front of your partner while they relax in the bath tub, getting on with the rest of your marriage is going to require work and commitment. I think this generation has just decided that if it’s broke and there is no warranty its not worth trying to fix. Not me, I google error messages, order the parts to make the fix, put new parts in and if it’s still not working, I hit up google again. It’s a vicious cycle.

I also didn’t believe that anxiety or depression was a real thing. “Seriously?? DUH…It’s absolutely controllable” insert *eye roll*…not! I believed that you could just set your mind to it and the anxiety would just go away. ”Get over your shit already!” kind of self-talk but…the tears kept falling, chest kept hurting, etc. It doesn’t work that way. When depression has its hold on you it doesn’t kindly just let go because you use your “mom voice” on it. I get angry with myself sometimes because I feel like I should be able to control these days when my brain is being a dick, trying to convince me that staying in bed is the best place for me to be, as it starts to replay the events from the last four years, then I hear a distant whisper ”Mom?” which pulls me out of the fog, I get up and start the day. If it wasn’t for that whisper though, I might stay right where my brain wants me to. Every day isn’t like this and I’m not sure why the anxiety elephant has been trying so hard to sit its ass down on my shoulders lately. Spring is on its way so I should be feeling happier, the weather is warming up, daylight hours extended, so why is my body betraying me? I wonder if I will ever be free of these feelings or if to be rid of them I need to be free of the situation that caused it in the first place. See??? My brain is totally in dick mode, bringing up the ”what ifs?” I don’t believe in forever so the anxiety can’t last for the rest of my life…Can it? I really want to believe that I have control over how everything will play out.

I read a book recently by Sophie Kinsella called Surprise Me. I wanted to find it funny  like I have all of her other books and distract my brain from dick mode, but it made me feel anxious and start to overthink about my marriage. It was about a couple who were happily moving along in their marriage when on their 10 year anniversary of being together it’s brought to their attention that they could live to be 100 and 102, which made them realize they had another 68 years of marriage to get through. So then they decide to come up with surprises for each other to try and keep the spark in their marriage alive, which ended in the surprises being catastrophic disasters. It made me think that my husband and I are approaching 20 years of marriage this year with quite possibly, easily, another 30 years together if not more. We are about 7-8 years away from being empty-nesters and then what?? Catastrophic surprises for the remaining 23 years? Ugh.

I feel like for a long time I was living in this alternate universe, where I believed that my marriage would withstand infidelity, that my kids would be spared heartache, that growing old with one person was how my life would turn out. I don’t believe it anymore. Life happens. There are so many things about living in that alternate universe I didn’t have to think about or want to think about because it was all going to end with happily ever after anyway. Now I think about places I want to travel, things I want to see or do and I don’t care if I do them on my own. Actually, I would like to do some of them on my own just to see what life on my own would be like. I want to feel strong/independent again like I used to, and travelling to Prague to go on a hiking/river cruise to Budapest might just do that for me. Maybe. Or I would just end up with really sore feet?

Our story used to end up with my husband and I being each other’s best friend till death do us part, with our kids and grandkids around us. That was all I needed or wanted. I still want that, but the need/want isn’t as great or as necessary as it used to be. There are just so many ways that a story could go, this is just my view and opinion. You get to write your own story it so make it a good one with a happy ending, just don’t plan on a fairy tale…

Why am I the Chump?

So, last week, I posted a blog that sparked a reader to suggest that I read Surviving Infidelity and Chump Lady. I wanted to follow up on that. If I am to understand, the suggestion to read Chump Lady, which I did, means that I am considered a Chump.

Urban Dictionary has several meanings for the word Chump.

Chump-1. Someone who doesn’t understand the basics of life on earth. Confused easily.

I feel like I do understand the basics of life, it is my husband who doesn’t. I don’t find I’m confused easily, I was repeatedly told lies by my husband and because I wanted to have faith in him, I believed what he said.

Chump-2.

A stupid or gullible person.

Okay…at times I feel a little stupid and gullible for the lies I believed. Honestly, I didn’t believe a lot that he said, my gut instinct was on high alert. I could read his body language but I didn’t trust myself enough to call him out on his bullshit without concrete evidence.

Chump-3.

A sucka that tries to act cool, but really is a fool and tries to act tough, but really isn’t.

I don’t try to act cool, but I might be a fool. I don’t try to act tough but I’ve been told that I’m not always easily approachable by new people. A lot of that has to do with me not trusting anyone. Many of my family and friends have become very judgemental about my decision to work on saving our marriage. I believe that they don’t have the knowledge to make that decision unless they themselves have been lied to and cheated on. I was super judgy myself until it happened to me, I took a step back and time to evaluate, and came to the conclusion that for now, I’m content to remain committed to trying to salvage our marriage and twenty-five years of a life we’ve built. Yes, I feel bitter and angry, sometimes. Other times, I’m happy with my decision and so is he. He said he didn’t think that I loved him, but now he sees that I truly did. Not that he was using the lack of feeling as a reason to cheat, he just saw that I wasn’t going to just give up on him and walk away. I’ve had to develop a tough outer skin, especially when people who used to be my friends called my husband a douche or a dick and a lot worse. I didn’t think a true friend would try to berate him whilst knowing I was staying in the marriage and trying to not think that he was a douche or a dick because of his cheating.

Chump-4.

Someone who is really thick. They are easily duped, tricked, and taken in by others. A gullible person. Also, someone who relies on weather.com

I can’t even…really? ”Someone who relies on weather.com” Insert…*eye roll*

Collins Informal definition of Chump

A foolish, stupid or gullible person; dupe or fool.

Over the course of the last four years, at one time or another, I have felt ALL of those things. I haven’t let them resonate with me, I chose to change the way I looked at the situation. I know that I wasn’t feeling these ways because of anything I had done, that none of his actions should have spilled over onto me or make me believe that any of it was my fault. I think he was the Chump, he had a great life. He had a wife who cared for and supported him, children who wanted to spend time with him but it was his foolish, stupidity that almost ended it all.

I don’t think the Chump Lady has it right by any means, I feel like, maybe, she hasn’t been able to forgive the fool who cheated on her. The only advice she seemed to have was don’t be a Chump, get a divorce. I didn’t read a lot of her blog but felt that I read enough to know if I continued to read it would send me into second guessing my decisions. I want to believe people can change and that once a cheater doesn’t mean always a cheater. If your husband or wife have chosen to cheat they are the ”Chump”, not you. You are a smart, kind and forgiving person if you’ve decided that your marriage deserves a second, third or however many chances YOU decide to give them. If you have decided on working through the tough times, good for you, don’t let judgemental people make you feel that you are stupid for staying. You really have to do what works for you, staying worked for me so I’m going to act tough and continue to roll with that.

ps. If you google chump the images that coincide with it are a tonne of Trump memes. Go figure…insert *eye roll*

Mind-field

I’ve talked about the triggers that set me off into analyzing and overthinking everything that happens between my husband and me. A trigger being something that takes me back to a time when I felt like he was lying to me but I couldn’t be sure. One of the triggers is his flight school classes. He told me that he wanted to learn to fly a plane. At that point in our lives, our children are still fairly young and I feel like this is just more time for himself instead of using that time to interact with his kids. It could be an evening for him to run someone to hockey, and watch the game or practice. It could be an evening where he baths our youngest, reads him a story and gets him ready for bed or it could be an evening where he shows up to the pool to watch our daughter swim, which he never did. Most of all it could be an evening for me to not have to juggle to do all three things myself. He doesn’t see it that way. He felt he did nothing but work all the time and this would have been time for him to do something just for him. He never let me have that luxury, and according to him, running kids here and there wasn’t part of HIS program. So let me get this straight…because I am the stay at home parent it is my sole responsibility to parent our children? He went to flight school and I went to the pool, a hockey game and did bedtime for the baby.

He didn’t complete his flying hours to obtain his license because his affairs got in the way. Well, that’s how I see it because it definitely wasn’t because of the kids or I getting in his way.

Over the last couple of weeks, work for him has been slow so he has decided to get back into flying, finish his lessons and get in his hours of training so he can get his licence. This sets me off. I know in the past that he wasn’t always flying when he was supposed to be. He constantly tells me there isn’t anyone else but I somehow cannot train my brain to think otherwise. I’ve heard that too many times only to be disappointed when I find out otherwise. So because alarms have been triggered I start looking. I look at his Facebook, I check pockets, I pay attention to the late night text messages and genuinely feel like a crazy person. In his Facebook, I see newly added women friends who I do not know, so I ask him who they are. His defences go up and he’s giving me grief over giving him grief over these women he has become friends with. One of the women had asked him at one point if he would be interested in having an affair with her because she heard that he was having trouble in his marriage. Boom!!She shouldn’t have even received a friend acceptance. Another one is a girl who his company does business with, and she flirts with him over a counter. Why do you feel the need to be friends with her? She is, like most people on Facebook, hardly an acquaintance. No need to request her friendship. The third woman I throw at him, he smirks a little and says he met her when he spent so much time in the Chicago airport on his way to breaking up with Marjorie. Hmmm…let’s just pick up another one on the way to breaking up with the other one. He says to me ”Why would I be friends with them on Facebook, where you can see everything and they can see I am married?” Hiding things in plain sight is the best place for them to be missed, I say and just because your status is set to ”married” doesn’t mean anything to some women. Especially the one who knows that you have ”marriage troubles” anyway. He says to me he has too much on his brain right now to deal with this, meaning my anxiety and begins to list off everything he has got going on. So what he has going on automatically voids whatever I have going on in my brain right now. That response is just as good as throwing fuel on a fire. I stop talking, take out my contacts, brush my teeth, get ready for bed, crawl in, curl up on my side and close my eyes. Shut down mode has commenced. He doesn’t realize or try to recognize that I need help to get over the ocean of lies that he created. I need answers, I need a schedule, and I need to know that this isn’t the beginning of another woman coming into our lives again. I can’t tell him enough about what I need because I don’t want to feel this way. I want it to stop. I want to feel safe and secure in my decision to keep going in this relationship. It’s hard because before when everything was still going on with Linda and Marjorie he would tell me it was all over, over for good and then I’d get slammed with the hard facts that no it wasn’t. So that is also, always circling in the overthinking compartment of my brain.

I hate that I overthink everything, I notice little things moved in a large space, I feel every vibe that comes from everyone. My kids don’t even try to lie to me because they know they can’t get away with it.

I had a very close sister-like friendship end because she couldn’t tell me the truth. I asked her if we were okay because she seemed to be avoiding me, although she says she wasn’t, she was. It was a lie, there was something bothering her but she wouldn’t admit it and sadly for me, the friendship pretty much ended. She was my person when everything started going south, she was who listened and offered advice.

I wish I could find a way to quit making my husband feel like a criminal and me the police. It would be nice if I could give him a manual to read so he would know the do’s and don’ts with me. Sometimes it feels like he’s stomping through a field of landmines around me and it’s all I can do to not curl into a tight ball with my head and ears covered, just so I don’t have to see or feel anything. It would be nice if I could explain to him how to be more careful and communicate better so we have fewer of these times when I start going off on him, in his mind, without reason.

Words are just Words

My daughter said to me “Mom, you never tell us that you love us.” Does she know every day my heart hurts because I love them so much? The constant worry that as young adults off on their own, and hoping they make good life choices, that’s love. I say to her that words don’t mean much to me, that they are just words. I tell her that I prefer to show her that I love her. I spend time in her bedroom cleaning it, putting fresh sheets on her bed, or flowers in her room when she comes home for a visit. I do her laundry while she is with us, and make a point of cooking her favourite things to eat. I tag her in funny memes to make her laugh on days when she might be missing home, to let her know I’m thinking of her and miss her too. I tell her that there are so many other ways that I tell her I love her.

She doesn’t understand how hurt by her dad I have been and although he says he loves me, I don’t feel it, they are just words he says because he doesn’t know how to show me all the time. I don’t feel it because he had two other relationships with other women one that was just sex and the other I know he loved. He didn’t show me, love. He told me lies and continued to live his life without any regard for our marriage, me or our family. That is not loving. He tries a little harder to make me feel his love. He senses the anxiety days, even though I try to not let them show. He holds me tighter at night because he knows it helps to shut my brain down and stop the overthinking it tends to do in the quiet hours. He has tried harder in the last year because he knows I was slipping away from him and I wasn’t going to be there, or love him any longer. He feels my love, he wasn’t completely sure he wanted it to be something he had to live without so he’s decided to make changes in his life.

I love my kids with my whole being and have made them the centre of my life. I miss them when they are not with me, and feel happy when all of them are home. I ask my daughter ”Do you love your brothers?” She rolls her eyes and with that, I know the answer, that yes she does. I ask her ”Do you tell them? Do you say to them that you love them? Do they tell you that they love you?” She’s waiting for me to make my point. I tell her that without realizing it, the time they spend together when they are all home shows their affection for each other, it shows in the Facetime calls they make time for in their busy lives when they are apart, and the group texts between them. My heart swells, and tears cloud my vision because I did my job, I raised them to be caring people and that even long after I’m gone that they will still find time for each other.

At the airport, as she leaves me to go back to school, I hug her long and tight, I try to hide my tears because I’m going to miss her but she catches them, raises her finger to my cheek, brushes a tear away and says ”I love you, too”

Trust

Just so you know when trust is broken…it’s gone. Gone for good? That I don’t know. So many things don’t add up for me. I feel like I’m constantly running numbers in my head, trying to make 2+2=4, but it keeps coming up 10. If honesty is something that was practiced, then trust would eventually start to re-appear, I think, but lies are still being told. Secrets still being held and it just doesn’t help. I am told that he’s being good but should I believe that when he’s still telling me lies?

To see if he would tell me the truth, I asked “How long did things carry on with Linda after I found out? Did it end right then or what?” I had found a picture date stamped for almost a year after it was supposed to have ended, with his hand on her breast. His response was I talked to her but that was it, nothing else. Well okay, then whose tits are your hand on almost a year later? If it ended when you say it did, then there must have been another woman, who was she? His response…there was no other woman it was Linda. I just shake my head because I feel like he’ll never be honest, and wonder has he ever been honest? What else has he lied to me about that would leave me feeling small and crushed and stupid? He feels angry and pissed off, I can tell, when I find things out that he doesn’t want me to know. I don’t know why he hasn’t figured out yet, that for me, if he was to just have come clean and said it lasted until whatever it was that finally severed the tie, then that would been better. That would have been one step toward trust but…he chose the step back. He also chose to hide his old phone, so there must be more secrets in it that he doesn’t want me to know, another step back.

I feel closed off. He’s not the only one I don’t trust anymore, there are a lot of people who I used to talk to that I just don’t because they lost my trust. The people who were the closest are now the furthest away and I don’t let them in, and I have no desire to know how they are or what they’ve been doing. It baffles me though that he’s the one who cheated and lied, and still lies but I still allow him to be near me. It makes me so mad to think about all he’s done to damage our relationship but yet it still survives. The anger comes and goes, it’s part of the grieving process. Sometimes he’s around for it, and sometimes I get to just rage alone until I feel better. He says he just wants to forget and move on, it’s not that easy for me because I feel like a second choice that he didn’t really choose. I told him that unless he changed that he would have to be removed from my life for awhile so I could move on. He said he changed, he moved back home but things hadn’t really changed. He moved home but still continued his affair with Marjorie, still continued the process for her to move forward and stay here. If it wasn’t for the communication between her and I then this mess would still be going on. I put my foot down and said it ends now. She saw him lying to me in front of her and she was stunned that he could do that. I made her leave, he didn’t. I packed up her remaining possessions and sent them to her, he didn’t. I cleaned and cleared out the house where he lived with her, he didn’t. I didn’t see any grief from him that she was finally gone but he said he was relieved it was finally over.

She feels the need to stay in contact with me, and I’m not sure why. I worry about her because of what he told me so I respond to her. When I don’t hear from her, I check in with her to make sure things are okay for her. She seems to be doing well and she’s said she doesn’t dwell on what’s happened and it does not have a place in her day to day thought. I’d like to say good for her, but I don’t believe it to be true, especially when she knows who I am connected to and that I was the one who sent her away. That should be enough of a daily reminder in itself. We don’t talk about what’s happened, we don’t talk about him or bash him. I think it’s just a mutual checking in of each of us making sure the other is okay because the hurt is the same for both of us. We both trusted and loved him and he hurt us both.

The trust isn’t there anymore. I’m not sure it ever will be again. I’ve put walls up to feel safe so I can’t be hurt anymore, not by him or anyone else. It’s a pretty shitty feeling when you know the only person you can rely on, is yourself and that your guard has to be up 24/7. I keep trying to figure out when 2+2 stopped equaling 4 but as far back as I can see it’s equaled 10 because I don’t know when the lies started.