Jittery January 

January is always a rocky month for me. I fall into depression because of lack of sunshine. SADD when the weather dips into the -40’s for a week or two and leaving the house is for necessity only because who wants to go out?  Have that feeling of the wind being knocked out of them because the cold air you inhale chokes you and you feel your exposed skin hurt. The daylight hours are short to top it all off. 

A few days ago the anxiety started crawling back in. I’m not sure if it’s just the weather or the feeling that my husband is back to hanging out with his girlfriend or both. I hate not knowing when he’s talked to her or texted her or stopped over there to give her money. I didn’t want 2017 to start out this way again. The last two January’s he has dropped out on me to go away and be with her for a week so already I’m depressed because I remember how low I felt last January. I was low enough that I lost 15lbs in 5 days, low enough that I couldn’t get out of bed, low enough that my teens were begging him to call them or talk to them so they could find out what to do to help me, low enough that I resorted to asking my mother-in-law to help me and tell me where he was (no help came, only more lies)

I thought maybe starting the year off in a sunny destination might get me through to the end of the winter but it hasn’t. Over the last few days the -40 weather has moved in, my husband is distant and working a lot, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep so I don’t have to feel the ache across my upper back and through my chest. I’m afraid though that if I don’t force myself up and out of bed that I may not get up and the anxiety will move more into a heavy depression. 

I can’t explain to my husband why, because he feels like I’m blaming him for how I feel. His contribution to my situation doesn’t help, the fact that he is still paying Marjorie’s rent and giving her money doesn’t help. He doesn’t realize that by doing those two things on top of the talking and texting, he’s still conveying to her that he wants their relationship even though, the other morning when I could feel the anxiousness starting he whispers in my ear as he hugs me good-bye as he heads out to work, that he will “get rid of her” and I felt like saying “probably not before I get rid of you” but instead I say to him ” I matter, my feelings matter, but you don’t make me feel like I do.” As the day goes on and I think more about the conversation from the previous evening where once again he tells me he doesn’t want to hurt her, that she did nothing wrong it was all him. Apparently, her feelings matter. I’m married to him and stayed with him through a shit ton of miserable awful shit and that’s what he says to me. 

I’ve resigned myself to staying with him until the end of the month. If at the end of January he renews the lease on the place he rented and continues to give her money then I want him to leave. I feel like I don’t want him around if he can’t tell her it’s definitely over and time for her to go. He feels like I am threatening him but I’m not. I’m just drawing the line and this time it is for good. He can test me but this time he might find his clothes packed, locks changed, me not taking his calls, blocking him from my social media and quite possibly a lawyer hired. I’ve been more than fair and patient but now it’s time for me to feel better and shed this anxiety. I don’t like feeling weak, when up until I few years ago I felt strong and in control of my life. 

After his conversation with Marjorie the other day, he said to me spending Christmas with her was very kind of you and she really liked you. My response was she liked me, but not enough to give up on pursuing her relationship with you. Silence…and then he says “True…”

Christmas with Marjorie 

If you have read any of my previous posts you’ll know who Marjorie is and where she falls in place in my life. If you haven’t well, she’s my husbands on line girlfriend from Georgia who moved here to live with him. After she moved here and he lived with her for two months he decided that he wouldn’t be happy without his family and moved home. Yes, my life has an obscene amount of unbelievable craziness in it. I’m not sure how exactly I got here but I have. 

Christmas this year was a tough one for me. It was the first year in 25 years that I have not woken up beside my husband and 18 years to babies and excitement over Santa coming to our house while everyone slept. My husbands mother was diagnosed with cancer this year and although I don’t feel that either of my inlaws deserve an ounce of love from my children for the things they have done, I let them go and spend Christmas with them. I couldn’t live with the thought of having them with me if this was her very last Christmas. 

So mid morning Christmas Eve starts out with an incoming text from Marjorie.

Marj: How are you? 

Me: Still getting over my sinus infection. How are you?

Marj: I’m good. I found some very unexpected Hispanic products today. I’m quite excited about that 😀 

Me: Cool and the weather has warmed up to flip flop short wearing weather so you can breathe when you go outside.

Marj: Llol! You know I can actually appreciate that concept now. -4 being a treat!   

Then I drop out of the conversation and carry on with whatever it was that I was doing, I think I was cleaning and packing for our trip. 

Then in the afternoon she starts texting me again.

Marj: I got you a gift. Happy Christmas. ( and she sends me a picture of a bottle of wine, a card and chocolates)

I was very stunned at first. I was like does she think we are going to meet at some point? Why does she want to give me a gift? That’s weird right? What does she want from me? A friendship? Ten minutes pass before I respond because I’m freaked out at the thought of finally meeting her.

Me: You shouldn’t have done that. I think there is some rule that as my husbands girlfriend you don’t give gifts to the wife. Wouldn’t he shit tho if we did get together and sent him a Christmas selfie of us…lol! I’m dismantling Christmas today, I can’t stand to look at it anymore.

Marj: Duck rules. I felt I needed to say thank you for being so awesome and kind. (I’m thinking duck was an auto correct of fuck).   I found a shop that sells really nice chocolates. I was excited about those. 

Me: You don’t need to thank me for anything. (Changing the subject) You must have found Chocolates and Candlelight’s and other Delights?

Marj: Yesssssss. I love everything in that shop! It’s awesome. Have you watched I am legend? 

Me: I think so. Will Smith?

Marj: Yes. So everyday I feel like I’m will smith in I am legend tryin’ to get stuff done before dark at 3pm. 

Me:Daylight hours should be getting better again now. 

We continue to chat about the Salvadorian food she is going to make for her Christmas Eve dinner and that she has to run out to the store to pick up a few ingredients that she doesn’t have. She tells me about her cat Walter, sends me a video of him doing tricks for treats and then takes off for a bit. Which is okay by me because I want to take down my Christmas tree. 

Marj: Back! It’s buffoonery out there. 

I don’t respond. I’m thinking to myself this is crazy, what am I doing. I don’t know her, we are not friends, so I carry on with what I am doing and maybe that will be all. 

Nope, an hour later…

Marj: Did you kill Christmas? 

I give in.

Me: The tree is down and put away but I left all the snowmen alone. I hate putting the tree away it’s so much work. I bet the store was nuts. I need to go get cat food but I feel the pet store will be less busy. 

Marjorie goes into full on talking about healthy cat treats, because clearly Sassy is a fatty. I head out to the Pet Smart to pick up what the cat sitter will need while I’m away, buy the treats and set them out for Sassy. She gives me a very “I’m disappointed in you.” look and walks away. I text Marjorie a video of the whole thing and she laughs when I say “Most of us prefer McDonalds to salads”

Later that evening I get a text and a picture of the Salvadorian dish that she was making and I tell her it looks better than the Chinese food I ate and now I was onto wine, onesie pj’s and cheesy Christmas movies staring Hugh Grant.

Marj:Oooo that sounds fun! :p English men are great ;D 

Me: I got drunk at a resort once and ended up with a British boyfriend. Needless to say D wasn’t very happy to be interrupted by this guy who wanted to do shots with me…lol

Marj: Ahhhhhhhh!!! 

Me: But this poor guy was labeled as my British boyfriend for the rest of the week.

Marj:  😀 that’s awesome 

Me: Colin Firth is another fave, from Bridget Jones. (3 glasses of wine in) I would invite you to join me but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. 

Marj: Why on earth would that be a bad idea??

Me: (starting glass 4, 1/2 big ass bottle finished)                                  It’s craziness but it’s also Christmas and I’m not sure why either of us is alone. My kids are spending my favourite day of the year with complete assholes who do not deserve an ounce of their love. It’s just a day though and the last one I am willing to give them. See I’m not such a great person. 

Marj: Sorry I’m drunk. Having trouble functioning 😀 

Me: Well that makes two of us. My wine buzz is starting to affect me. If you don’t want to be alone come over. 

Marj: I didn’t know it was your favorite day. I’m sorry… I don’t know or understand what’s happened with that relationship. And how do you mean that’s the last day. 

Me: The history doesn’t matter, it’s over but not forgotten or forgiven. I just mean it’s the last time that I will not be with my kids at Christmas so his parents can be with them. 

Marj: Do you have anything harder than wine or should I BYOB 

(Whoa…shit could go sideways)

Me: I have vodka, rye, moonshine…not much for mix but there’s Pepsi

So I give her the address, drink some more wine, start watching Elf because it is such a funny movie and awhile later the doorbell rings. 

Before this we have never met. We have exchanged emails and snarky texts back and forth when my husband first came back but that was it. I open the door and I can tell she is a little nervous by her laugh. I tell her to come in, I go to the kitchen, take out a glass for her to mix a drink in  and pour another glass of wine. We move back to the living room and continue to watch Elf, laughing at all the stupid things Will Farrel does in this movie. Marjorie asks me if I have any siblings and I tell her about my sisters but that we are not close (that’s a whole other blog in itself). I know she has a brother, with a wife and few kids. I say to her “Your parents must be worried about you being here.” She says they were concerned when she decided to move here but that she hadn’t been home for Christmas in four years so they were used to that. We stop talking for a bit, when again she asks me about why I’m not with D and the kids. I tell her why and she is like “WOW!” but I don’t really want to talk about my problems with my inlaws. 

It wasn’t even awkward, I didn’t feel anger towards her, I felt sad that this young girl moved to this god forsaken frozen hell to be with my husband and he decided that wasn’t what he wanted. She thought he was going to leave his wife and start a new life with her. A life she had been working towards for the last four years. She asked me why I stayed with him. It’s such a hard question to answer because no matter what I say I feel stupid for continuing to love this man who has hurt me time and time again. I can’t give up on him when he’s telling me he is done with that life, that he wants to be the man I married, that it’s me he loves and wants to be with. How do I walk away after building this life for 25 years? Where do we begin trying to dismantle it all? She says “So both of you are afraid to end it.” I tell her no that I was ending it, that I wanted nothing to do with him and that I was cutting off from him but he wouldn’t let me, that he kept insisting our marriage is what he truly wants. She tries to come at me from a different angle “It sounds to me like you have one foot out the door.” I tell her I do have one foot out the door because I’m waiting for the next time he drops out on me to be with her. I say that considering she lives here now and that he’s still talking/texting with her so I feel it will eventually happen, and she nods. 

It’s 3am and a few hours ago I moved from wine to Apple Pie Moonshine. I need some fresh air to clear my head so I say “Let’s go for a walk” and she is not sure what to think but we bundle up, put our drinks in travel mugs and out we go in -20 degree weather for a walk. She asks about Linda. Linda is the first affair. I tell her a little about my relationship with Linda and what I am dealing with now but I don’t talk about D’s relationship with her. I tell her I don’t understand how I got to this place in my life where I’m doing crazy shit like spending Christmas with my husbands girlfriend. I ask her what her plan is. She tells me she doesn’t have one and that her staying largely depends on D. Well… his staying with me largely depends on him discontinuing paying her rent and giving her money. We get back to the house, mix another drink and just sit and talk. She is sizing me up, she wants to be able to pin the cracks in my marriage on me but I think she’s finally seeing the big picture. I ask her though if D and I should end our marriage at this point would she still take him back and she tells me that yes she would. Madness. What is wrong with us? By now it is 7 am and I can no longer keep from yawning, and tell she she is welcome to crash here but she calls a cab anyway and prepares to leave. She gives me a hug, wishes me a Merry Christmas and leaves. I lock up, turn out lights and prepare to get into bed when D texts me a Good morning, Merry Christmas! Are you awake? I respond…Well I haven’t been to bed yet, been up drinking all night, headed to bed now. He was like what??? I say,  I’m too tired I’ll tell you what I was doing later and went to sleep.

Noon…

Marj: Good morning! How are you feeling??

Me: I feel disgusting. I woke at 10 put stuff in the dryer had a piece of toast and went back to bed but I still feel gross. How about you?

Marj: I feel great. Slept great. Walter (her cat) wasn’t upset, so I guess I wasn’t too drunk. (Not likely she killed 28oz of Apple Whiskey and a few glasses of Apple pie moonshine)

Me: I’m so happy for you 😒

Marj: 😀

Me: I’m still laying in bed. It was the moonshine that did me in.

Marj: It was so good.

Me: It was but it was deadly on my head.

At some point the previous night I mentioned that I needed to remember to put my underwear in the dryer and pack it, so she asks me if I remembered to pack my undies and I had, at 4:30 in the afternoon I tell her that I think I’m finally starting to sober up she laughs. 

Marj: :,D lmao It was a good night. 

Me: It was. Thank you for keeping me company.

Marj: Thank you so much for inviting me. Have a good flight and an awesome trip! 

And it’s at this point where I feel like a complete asshole. She’s staying here in this freezing hell while I head off to warm sunshine, drinks on the beach and time with my family. Should I feel like an asshole? No, D should. He brought her here. 

I hope I did a decent thing and spent time with her so she wouldn’t be alone. Nobody should be alone over the holidays…not even the woman who has attempted to pull my marriage apart. 

We’ve been back a few days now and I have not contacted her. She hasn’t reached out to me either, so maybe meeting me didn’t work out in her favour. Maybe she thought she wouldn’t like me and she could justify continuing to be available for D. I think I was just genuine and honest with her about our life, about how broken I’ve been over all of this and that now it needs to stop. 

Now it’s January and this is typically the time he drops out on me and the kids to make it up to her for ignoring her through December. 

2017 has to be a better year, the last two have been batshit crazy, and I know I cannot do this anymore. This year is for me and I’m determined I will either be happy in my marriage or I will walk away from it but I will be happy wherever I end up.