My husbands girlfriend has worked out some statistics regarding my husband and when he chooses to be in their relationship and when he doesn’t. Now it’s December and she has prepared to sit back and wait for January to roll around, when he will have felt bad for ignoring her through the holidays and he will reconnect with her. I wrote her an email laying out my own set of statistics, outlining things I have learned about him since this all started. He tells me that he’s done that this won’t happen anymore, that he wants our marriage more than he wants to be with her. I can’t bring myself to send the email though. I feel like I’m being too harsh with her, but I just want her to go away. I don’t feel my contact with her will make her go away though. She figures her youth is on her side and she can patiently wait as long as she needs to, because according to her statistics, he will be back. Seeing as he is still talking to her and hasn’t been forceful or direct enough in communicating to her what he wants, she could be right.
Marjorie, this is what I know.
D told me about your statistics for his interaction with you during this time of year. Statistically he drops out on you to focus on his family during the holidays. Only he hasn’t really been with us for many of our holidays, because you were always in the background with some crisis or another.
“Statistically” this is what I know about infidelity. I’ve read just about everything I can trying to find answers because I want to know that I’m doing the right thing for our family. I find it is somewhat helpful to know that there are other people in similar situations and they are also trying to make their marriages work.
I know that he has dropped out on me about every six months, for the last two years, to be with you for a week. I know that even though he does drop out, he always comes home and attempts to repair the hurt that he has caused.
I know that the propensity for men/women to cheat is genetically predetermined. D grew up knowing his father continually cheated on his mother and to this day continues to do so. I have nothing to do with him. D’s dad told our son that D’s affair was okay, he just shouldn’t have gotten caught. He also covered for D numerous times so that he could go and be with you, basically telling me that it was okay his son had no respect for me or our marriage. His mother continues to maintain a close relationship with his first affair leaving me to believe she would have preferred to see our marriage end as well.
I also know that once you crossed over into the reality side of his life, his desire to be with you drastically lessened. Same thing happened with the first affair. They made a deal that it was purely sexual but she changed it up and when she wanted more, he wanted less. He didn’t want another wife or someone to take care of him, he wanted an escape here and there a couple of times a year, to go away from his real life and be someone else. Is that healthy? No, I don’t believe that it is.
80% of married men do not leave their wives for the woman they are cheating on them with and if they do that relationship doesn’t generally last. Their wives end up leaving them because they get tired of being lied to and the bullshit that is constantly being brought into their lives.
78% of married couples who encounter infidelity remain married. They remain married either because the husband/wife honestly makes the effort to repair the marriage because he/she loves their spouse, or he/she stays with their spouse because of a feeling of attachment. He/she cannot see their life without the spouse, and feels he/she needs them.
58% of men who cheat are happily married. I believed we were happily married until D listened to another woman tell him how unhappy she was in her marriage and how could he possibly be happy with me? He asked her for advice regarding my relationship with his parents, and she used it to her own advantage. He let someone inside our bubble. I’ve always believed that you do not talk about your husband or wife to anyone. We were happily married until I found out what was really going on.
I am constantly waiting for the next time that D will drop out on me, this time he assures me he will not. The longer he continues to talk, text and have any interaction with you, he is one step closer to that drop out. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship with you is what he wants, it’s just his mean of an escape. An escape that I’m no longer willing to forgive.
I knew about you. Last June, when D asked me if he could have a week, to go to Georgia and break up with you face to face, I let him. He promised after that, all communication would end. I believed he would end it. He let it continue and he is still letting it continue. One of the conditions for coming home was that he was to end all contact with you and thus far he has not. I have told him in January if he cannot start the new year fresh, and have no contact at all then he will have to leave. He has said to me, he needs to end things in his own time, and I’ve said no, because I’ve had enough of this bullshit, and given him so much more time and patience than he deserves. I need to move forward in my life and stop living with the last two years dragging me down.
I used to believe that if this was to ever happen to us that I would not stay with him. Unfortunately, you have no idea what you will do until you are actually face to face and having to live with your husband cheating on you, do you know what you will actually do. I always thought I was stronger than this, I hate that I am conveying to our daughter that it’s okay for your husband to cheat on you and as well allowing D to convey to our son that it’s okay to cheat on your wife. Neither is okay. I compromised my morals/beliefs and stayed because I cannot quit loving him or even begin to start dismantling 25 years of a life together. If he allowed me space and time, eventually I would move on but right now he tells me, our marriage is what he wants, I want to believe in him.
Do you realize what it is you are trying to do? You are trying to put an end to a family. You said you would never have participated in such a relationship before, so what has changed? He’s still married, and trying to make things right. He is trying to repair our relationship. I kind of get the impression that you feel that the cracks in our marriage are my fault, which is why you are continuing to push him to leave me. They are not my fault. I did not go outside of our marriage for any reason. Had I met someone else, I would have told D. All I wanted was honesty at all cost. If he met someone else that he wanted to be with, then all he had to do was say so and we could work out the details. Why didn’t D just tell me you were living here now and that our relationship was over? I think his hiding his relationships tells me that he was never going to permanently leave because he could never be happy, knowing that the kids and I would eventually start over with someone new.
I am sad for you, and have been since I first found out about him lying to you. I know how that feels. I regret not reaching out to you in when I found your phone number, after I found out about his true relationship with you. Maybe I could have saved you and me from this situation. I think no matter what I said in my text to you though, you would have still believed anything he told you. I was sad that you spent Thanksgiving alone, and now will be spending Christmas alone, instead of with your family. I hope that you’ve made some friends here that will invite you to join in their Christmas Eve or day so that you are not alone. Holidays are meant for family.
This email was just to let you know, I have my own set of statistics when it comes to D and I’m just hoping that I can believe him when he says, he’s done being someone else and with someone else. It was also not intended to hurt or upset you, but maybe help you to see the bigger “statistical” picture.
Maybe she’ll see that my 25 years of trying to work through the hard stuff isn’t shadowed at all by the four years he’s spent talking, texting and a week of sex every six months or so and maybe she won’t.