It’s funny the things that trigger my emotions since I first found out about his affairs. The shitty “Anniversaries”. It bothers me that I can’t shake the dates that are burned inside my broken heart. I want to forget them, and move on with my life but something holds me back. It’s like I need more information before I can move on from these points in my life. I feel like the characters from the Inside Out movie are inside my head, with Joy fighting so hard to keep Sadness from touching the memories she shouldn’t be touching and then there’s Anger who throws his two cents in once in awhile. I need to find a way to properly process and put away those memories that Sadness keeps throwing at me, and file them away for good.
My therapist recommended a type of therapy called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing because she feels that I suffer from a type of post traumatic stress. The two sessions that I tried this with her, I found it was helping. She said when you suffer from a trauma that doesn’t get processed properly, it comes with triggers.
My trigger from today was a trip to the drug store. I was in the vitamin aisle stocking up on some melatonin and vitamin D when I happen to turn around and face the condom and lube section. At first I just stood there, then the sadness started seeping in because it was one year ago today that he lied and left me to go see Marjorie. We had been in Walmart before he left and my body was freaking out because it knew without really knowing where he was going. He stood in the aisle looking at the different types of condoms, and I said “Are you trying to chose the condoms for this week?” and then I broke down in tears, asking him for the truth and he lied to me that day and several others after that. I knew the signs and I could read him. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when something else triggered me, he said something that didn’t jive with another story he had told me and I searched his truck, found the camera with pictures of her happily smiling in her lingerie, date stamped for the dates he was supposed to be working. I didn’t see the type of nightie that she was barely wearing, or the shape of her body, I just remember the smile on her face, she looked truly happy. He made her happy with the lies he told her. All of this hits me in the Drug Store at lightening speed, while facing the ribbed, stay hard condoms.
The point of the EMDR is so that I can stay away from anti-depressants and out of divorce court. I have a personal phobia of taking drugs that will alter my mental state. I don’t want to get through this in a haze of disconnect because the drugs will make me feel numb, but at the same time I always feel everything with my whole body and that doesn’t feel good either. I’m working on it.
So two years later and a few therapy sessions in, I still have those days where I wish I had of walked away because I’m almost certain that I would be over this by now if I had. I wish that sometimes he could feel what I feel when the goosebumps creep up my back, down my arms and legs, the pain in my heart because he had relationships with two other women inside our marriage. Maybe if he had of known the kind of suffering it would cause us, he wouldn’t have done it. All kinds of what if’s constantly run through my head, and I search for answers to relieve the anxiety. I breathe deep and think of sitting in that room with the therapist, as she tells me to think of a picture in my mind and a word that goes with it that will help calm me and we start talking about how to get off the train.